alysemarie

Some people are so transparent.

At this point, nothing surprises me.

Today was the last day of my internship. I'm going to miss it. I wish I could just work there and not go to school next year. Boy am I terrible at goodbyes.

I should say something.

I'm disappointing myself, but I'm not sure that I care. I'm not really sure what I mean, or how I feel or what I want. I'm a bit of a mess, but it happens.

I always have interesting acquaintances on the train, where people tell me how to live my life.

I haven't written all week. I really like my internship. Most of the patients are from MIT so they are insanely intelligent and study obscure things that I will never comprehend. I go to my internship, then class, then sometimes work and then I usually accidentally fall asleep. I do that a lot lately, I end up falling asleep. I miss seeing people. I need a life, oh well.

Waking up at 430 isn't completely terrible, atleast I got to watch the sunrise.

Mostly I have just been working, and having headaches. I feel like I haven't seen anyone in so long. My internship starts tomorrow. Busy busy busy. I can't wait to be done. I really don't want to go to work right now. Oh well.

Sometimes I think that I come up with the most coherent ideas when my head hurts this badly. I know what I want, I'm probably wrong.

I need someone.

Too many thoughts, I can’t find words to express. That’s usually the problem with words. Sometimes there is no way to explain the way you feel because you don’t even understand. Sometimes words make feelings seem insignificant. I’m in a very nostalgic mood. I’m afraid I will forget everything. The past few nights I have had unusually related dreams. And I have been trying to remember them all day; I can only remember scenes though. Like a movie. I wish I knew what they meant.

Spending my entire day at work pretending to be an adult makes me realize how much time everyone wastes. At least I’m getting paid to sit here and occasionally answer the phone and send faxes. It feels like winter outside. I want some hot tea and someone to talk to.

I really hope we all find who we are looking for, because everyone needs someone.

I wish more people were authentic, but that's out of my control. Regardless of your motives for wanting me in your life, ill be there for you. I'm non-confrontational. It makes me genuinely upset and feel guilty but I don't want to have to choose between people. I think people maybe come in and out of your life for a reason. Maybe a reason you can't see. I'm exhausted, too tired to explain things the way I should. I will most likely skip class again tomorrow. Maybe we can do something.

I haven’t written in a long time. I can’t even remember what I have done or thought about in that time. I should write more, or sleep so my memory works. I fell asleep in the car last night, like a little kid and it was the best.

I wish things were different. Mostly that I didn’t have so many things to do that don’t make me happy. Because I feel like I’m wasting time, wasting life.

I wish i had something to say, maybe I’ll write later. I’m so tired, take a nap with me please.

I can’t focus.

I've begun to realize I am just as bad as every other thoughtless human I generally have no respect for. Sometimes it’s too tiring to care when no one else does.
I need to figure out what I am doing next year; I hate money and expectations.

I'm sitting in starbucks wasting time until I have class. I'm watching an adorable couple and its making me sad and lonely. Well, I got my internship today. Its with a physical therapist in Cambridge. She dances and is really similar to me, its perfect. I have been getting asked on dates by insane people lately like the gas station attendant who knows way too much about me. And today a man on the train said he could change my life, and told me I'm too young to be so sad inside. Sad sad joke.

I want a kitty more than anything, where I can get a kitten? I think it could make me unconditionally happy.

Maybe its too personal but I always wonder what strangers live for. Maybe they don't even think about it, it would be interesting to know though.
Sometimes I don't write because I realize how most of what I write about is meaningless, I guess that's my problem. I'm afraid I'll never find what I'm looking for.

It was too difficult to get up this morning, so I didn't. I only have six more days of class, that's exciting but it still didn't feel worth it to go to school. My mind is just as cold and foggy as it is outside.

I have been having deja vu a lot lately.